Swine Flu

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Traveling to Mexico and having sex with pigs may lead to a worldwide pandemic.

Wizards & Hipsters, Scott's First Letter

To dear old Uncle Scott,

I feel foolish doing this. I hope I'm not the only one bugging you, because that would be awkward for both of us.
So, are you kind of like the Great and Powerful Oz, where you're just some wrinkley meek old dude behind a curtain (who's going to give us crap we've had all along), or are you some legit hipster with humerous observations?
Just wondering.
-Annon

Annon,
You are actually the first to email me. But don't feel bad for bugging me. I am here to help. Sometimes I am even available for a hug (schedule permitting). I need to see I.D. first, however. Last time I hugged a fan, she turned out to be 13-years-old. I ended up in Attica. I guess I didn't need to use roofies for just a hug. But you know how it is, Annon, old habits die hard. Anyway, let me answer your questions-

FIRST - I am not a hipster. Although I can be frequently found in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I do not wear tight jeans. I don't have any skinny ties in my closet. I do not own a pair of Converse All-Stars. I don't have a jaded attitude, or any ironic tattoos. My glasses do not resemble Buddy Holly's.

SECOND- I am not a wizard. I am not a Grand Wizard. I am not a racist, xenophobe, xerox machine or xylophone. I actually resemble Cookie Puss, Carvel's delicious ice cream cake. I do not have an ice cream cone for a nose though.

See below:

I am old enough to dispense invaluable advice, and in the end that is what's most important.

THIRD - My intention is not to "Give you crap you had all along." Through personal experience I have found people do not enjoy receiving crap for any reason. There are a few exceptions....farmers who fertilize their vegetables.....german porn stars....but the vast majority of the population has no interest in your crap, my crap or anyone's crap. I am here to make the world a better place. Turn on the news. Pirates attacking innocent people. Religious extremists putting guns in children's hands. Selfish bankers destroying the economy. Through this blog I hope to mitigate the damage these monsters have caused.

I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction Annon. Feel free to write back. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in the email.
Until the next time!

Dear Scott

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's time I gave back to my readers. You have all been so good to me. I will tell you what. Tell me what's on your mind. Email me your questions. Do you need advice? It doesn't matter what's bothering you. You can tell Uncle Scott. Just sign your letter with your first name and where you are from and I will start answering letters from viewers like you. Email all questions to Scottstipoftheday (AT) Gmail (DOT) Com

Steely Dan

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Even though Steely Dan is the name of a band, there is nobody in the band named Steely Dan. Remarks like "I saw Steely Dan live and let me tell you - Dan was f**king steely, man!" or "Dude, Dan can still play the guitar" will only expose you as the pathetic poseur you are.

Baby Names

Scott's Tip Of The Day: No longer is it cool to name your kid something simple like 'John' or 'Scott'. Your child could be ostracized at school for rocking suck an antiquated name. "So what should I name my kid, Scott? " I am glad you asked.

SCOTT'S GUIDE TO NAMING YOUR BABY

STEP 1- Take a simple name you like. We will use 'Scott' for the purposes of this example.

STEP 2- Spell the simple name wrong. Scott now becomes Skaht.

STEP 3- Add extra letters and/or punctuation to the name. Skaht now becomes Ja'Skaht.

STEP 4-Are you really happy with your name? Can you do anything else to make it unique? I am going to change Ja'Skaht to Ja'$kat. Lets put a dollar sign in there and get rid of that silent H. That silent H is a bit much don't you think? Letters in a name you don't pronounce? That's so unnecessary (unlike punctuation, extra letters and misspellings)

STEP 5- Congratulations! You have a new baby name! Walk out to the stoop and scream the news to all of the neighborhood people.

Scrabble

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Even though "cunt" is a word in the Scrabble dictionary, playing it in a game may lead to undesirable results. Especially on a first date. You should probably just stick to safe words like "fuck" and "shit."

Get A Dog

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you a President, Prime Minister, King or Despot? Has the economic climate ratcheted up pressure on your administration to take bold steps to solve your country's problems? Yeah, it's tough out there. I bet you don't know what to do either! How do you fix your country's economy when it's intertwined with hundreds of other countries' economies whose leaders have no idea what they are doing either. Well, don't be too hard on yourself. Nobody knows what they are doing. "But Scott, the people are getting volatile! They want answers! They want Solutions" Well, since you have no idea what you are doing, you need a distraction. You need to buy yourself some more time to figure out a solution. How will you accomplish this? You can buy a dog! Instead of press conferences on the political or economic climate you can just have the media interview your new dog! Awwww! Look how cute he is! I don't even care that the bank foreclosed on my house and and I am dumpster diving behind Wendy's to feed my kids! That dog is so gosh darn cute! Buy a dog. Save your administration.