Fat People - Scott's Eighth Letter

Dear Oh Noble Scottimus,
Is it politically incorrect to call the new girl in my office fat? I will provide you with an example--- 'the new girl in the office is that fat ginger girl who drinks all the tea'? Thanks!

M-Germany


M,

I am honored by your display of deference. Most people don't recognize my claim to nobility. This probably stems from the fact, most people don't believe the man who knighted me, King Tomato, is a real King, much less a real person. I assure you however, that King Tomato is very real, and he will steal your face and squash your soul if you defy him or his authority over the Bearded Kingdom.

As for your question, it is generally accepted that insulting your colleague is a politically incorrect thing to do. But what is your state of mind? Are you maliciously calling your colleague fat? Is it really an insult? Or, are you calling her fat as a way of bringing to her attention the fact she is overweight, in an attempt to encourage her to drop some pounds? Maybe you are trying to do her a favor. Maybe she doesn't realize she is fat? Maybe no one ever told her that she is fat and she doesn't know what the word "fat" means. Maybe she doesn't know that being fat is taboo in our society? In a situation such as this, it is your DUTY to call her fat.

Additionally, "that fat ginger girl" appears to be drinking all of the tea in your office. Relationships with your friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances are governed by a state of informal social checks and balances. If no one checks her rude behavior, it will continue. In order to bring peace back to your office, it will be necessary to put her in her place. Is it possible your actions won't be appreciated by anyone in your office? Yes. Could it be politically incorrect? Maybe. But. does that mean you did the wrong thing? No. Sometimes it is necessary to be politically incorrect.

When Mel Gibson was pulled over for drunk driving in L.A, he eventually had to deal with a female station sergeant. Through the course of conversation (and somewhere in between a slew of inexplicable anti-semetic remarks) Mel called the officer "sugar tits." Did the officer appreciate this? No. Was it politically correct? Maybe. Maybe not. But, maybe it needed to be said! Maybe her tits were covered in such inordinate amounts of confectionery sugar, it would have been a crime not to call attention to it? Unfortunately, Mel's dispicable anti-semetic remarks overshadowed this, and we will never know.

So M, is it politically incorrect to call a ginger fat? Maybe. But should political corectness matter? No. Sometimes other factors outweigh political correctness. In this case I think it's necessary to call that fat bitch out. First thing Monday morning you go into your office and you call that tea hoarding ginger a fat skank. Don't worry about any negative consequences. King Tomato offers you his protection.

You are welcome to write back with more questions, M. Anyone else who has a question for "Oh Noble Scottimus" please email me at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. I will answer any question, no matter how bizarre. Until the next time...

Hired Goons - Scott's Seventh Letter

Dear All Knowing Scott, I have a friend with a large outstanding debt. I have no goons of my own and I was wondering if you had some sort of service where you would rent them out at an hourly rate, or if they could be available for a percentage of the take? Normally I would try and take care of these things myself but this guy lives in Hoboken and I hate going to Jersey. If you can't lend me your goons, could you give me some advice about recruiting some of my own? Where do you find them and how do you keep them in line? Looking forward to your help, Ryan in NYC


Ryan,

Thanks for writing me again. I hope that since we last corresponded you were able to purge your sexual deviancy. You definitely came to the right person with your question. Not only have I had to deal with people shirking bets, but I am Jewish, so clearly, I know a lot about money.

I am sorry to tell you, that my goons work on an exclusive basis for me. It's hard to find good goons. Why is it so hard? Have you ever watched the Batman series? (I am referring to the old campy 60's series starring Adam West.) Batman faced diabolical enemies. The Joker. Catwoman. The Riddler. These guys were crafty. These guys were sharp. Your ordinary police officer couldn't stop them. Batman was the only man for the job. All of this would lead you to believe Batman's nemeses would have hired brilliant help. Well, for whatever reason, this was not the case. All it really took from Batman was a BAM! or POW! and the goons (aka 'henchmen') were down for the count. Why couldn't the police stop them? Well, you have to remember America's police force is comprised of America's C students. They are also pretty corrupt. Just ask Frank Serpico. Anyway, I digress.....the point is good henchmen are hard to find and I can't afford to give mine up.

I can, however, assist you in recruiting your own goons. Any good goon posseses the following characteristics:

-The goon is large in size.
At least 6'2" and preferabbly heavy. Andre The Giant would have made the perfect goon. He was basically a goon in the princess bride.

-The goon goes by a cool name
You definitely want a goon with an intimidating name. Wrecking Ball. That's a pretty cool name for a goon. Switchblade. That sounds scary! You can also take an alternate approach and name your goon something ironic like Tiny.

-The goon is of average intelligence
You definitely don't want a goon that's intelligent enough to usurp you. On the other hand, you need someone capable, who isn't dumb enough to be outsmarted by the mark you are shaking down.

-The goon is loyal
Above all else, you want a loyal goon. If he gets pinched, you don't want him squealing to the 5-0


A good way to find a goon is to slay a druglord or underworld kingpin and assume control of his crime syndicate. This way, you already have an array of goons you can select from. If you don't have the muscle, ambition or wherewithall to take down a crime syndicate, a good place to start is your local police station. Check out the overnight lockup and see if anyone is physically imposing. If you find someone who fits the profile, bail him out of jail and take him under your wing.

"But Scott, I'm afraid!" Don't be scared. Money talks. Pay your goon well and he has no reason to clobber you or defect from your crew. A well paid goon is a happy goon. If you have multiple goons, apportion head clobbering duties equally amongst your goons as to not create jealousy or internal strife within the organization. Remember: Every goon likes to clobber. Keep your goons clobbering and they will be a happy bunch with a high morale. Additionally, some other good places to find goons include pool halls and underground death matches.

I hope I have helped you with your problem, Ryan. Feel free to write back with more questions. As for the rest of you, if you have any questions, please email me at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Be sure to include your first name and where you are from. I look forward to hearing from you! Until the next time...

Children's Songs - Scott's Sixth Letter

Hello Dr. Scott I have a personal question, but due to the nature of your fifth letter, I feel a tad more inclined to ask you such a weird sexual question, which is so odd and bizarre, I'm sure you will wonder if I have made this up. After "fucking my fiance's brain's out" I get strange kids' songs stuck in my head: 10 Little Monkeys, 3 Monkeys and an Alligator, 3 Sharp Tooth Buzzards. After about reaching the end of the alligator song, I kind of want to go again. How weird is that. Dr. Scott, am I a sexual perdator? Or just weird. -MJ Philly, PA

Thank you for taking the time to write, MJ. While answering this email, I am going to operate under the assumption you are a guy, since it appears you are the person in this relationship who does the aforementioned f**king. If you participate in unorthodox sex, then I apologize for making this assumption.

First off, being a sexual predator and being weird are not mutually exclusive. It's not like you have two paths to walk down in life - the life of a sexual predator or the life of a weirdo. Almost all sexual predators are weird by definition.

Second, according to Wikipedia, "The term sexual predator is used pejoratively to describe a person seen as obtaining or trying to obtain sexual contact with another person in a metaphorically "predatory" manner. Analogous to how a predator hunts down its prey, so the sexual predator is thought to "hunt" for his or her sex partners. People who commit sex crimes, such as rape or child sexual abuse, are commonly referred to as sexual predators, particularly in tabloid media or as a power phrase by politicians."

Is your fiance a child? That would certainly explain why you get kids' songs in your head. Do you commit sex crimes on your fiance? I certainly hope not. Assuming your fiance is not a child, I think we can rule out the sexual predator thing.

Now MJ, are you weird? is it normal to have kids songs in your head while having sex? No, it is certainly not normal. It is very unusual and a little disturbing. If you are a guy, there are only a few things that can go through your head while having sex that can be construed as normal.

These thoughts include:
-"Wow, I am actually having sex"
-"Should I tell her the condom broke? I am never going to see her again."
-"I am going to regret this in the morning when I have to pull the coyote."
-"I'm hungry."
-"I think she's faking it"

If you are a gal, there are only a few things that really go through your head.
These include:
-"Oh man, when is this going to be over"
-"Did I leave the oven on?"
-"I'm tired"
-"It's really time to paint the ceiling in here"
-"You're done already? Seriously?"

So, since your thoughts do not fall into either category, by definition you are weird. It's OK, MJ. What is normal anyway? At least you have a fiance. Someone appreciates your unusual behavior. I just hope she's older than 16-years-old.

I hope I answered your question to your satisfaction, MJ. Feel free to write back any time. As for the rest of my readers, I can be contacted at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. What's on your mind? Send me an email, ask me a question, I would be happy to share my boundless knowledge with you. Just remember to sign each letter with your first name and your location. Until the next time!

Sexual Deviancy - Scott's Fifth Letter

Dear All Knowing Scott, I am a sexual deviant, and I know you told us not to write you, but I'm desperate. I was wondering how I could purge myself of this deviancy and write you a letter asking for advice.

-Ryan from NYC


Ryan,

Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to write to me. I am aware you could have engaged in all sorts of salacious acts in the 30 seconds it took to write that letter, and it warms my heart that my advice means that much to you. I would also like to thank you for emailing me and not sending me a letter through the mail. Based on the nature of your question, I would have had to scan your letter with a fluorescent light, and that's just too complicated and time consuming for a busy guy like myself.

Your question is very general and it is very difficult to answer, since I don't know what your bizarre sexual behaviors are. Do you like to dress up in furry animal costumes while having intercourse? Are you a Cleveland Steamer kind of guy? Have you ever space docked? Maybe the behavior you engage in so vile that they don't even have a name for it...yet? Would you be ashamed to perform these acts in the back room of an adult video store?

You really aren't giving me a lot to go on. But I am going to break it down real simple. You have a deviancy. You want to purge it. What does this remind you of? The exorcist! You need an exorcism! It's not your fault you're sexually attracted to 70-year-old women. Oh wait, that was James. I am sorry. What was I saying? Oh yeah! It's not your fault! It's the Devil inside! Just like the INXS song! "But Scott, where can I get an exorcism?" Good question!

The Roman Catholic Church has the ability to perform exorcisms. But, the Roman Catholic Church requires a physician rule out the existence of a medical or psychological condition before an exorcism can be conducted. Do you see a shrink? Have you told him you like to dress up in animal costumes before intercourse? Has he been unable to assist you? Then you can approach the Roman Catholic Church and request an exorcism. But, be careful. They will probably make you convert to Catholicism.,. and what's worse....being a sexual deviant? Or being a Catholic? Yeah. You're right. Being a Catholic is definitely worse.

So Ryan, sometimes there's just no perfect answer. Even though I know everything, it doesn't mean a perfect solution exists. If a perfect solution existed, I would know of it. Unfortunately, you will just have to learn to live with your sexual deviancy. Believe me, it is better than the alternative.

Feel free to write me back, Ryan. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in the email.
Until the next time!

James... The Conclusion -Scott's Fourth Letter

Scott,

Evolution vs. creationism….really? This is a hot issue? To who? Televangelists that want your money(maybe they’ll send you that ten bucks, I still don’t believe you didn’t spellcheck), come on, this issue should be colder than Ted Williams….bottom line…we’re all gonna die, and at that point it won’t matter how we got here.

Socialized health care? You better head north, great idea, but we’ll never see it in the states. Moot point, move on.

Which leaves us with questions guys ask over a beer, around the pool table. Sure, we’d all love Megan Fox in a schoolgirl outfit, but sometimes you just crave the classics!

…..and if I remember correctly, Gilligan’s Island was in color….i’m keepin’ the ten-spot for that.

James

James,

The first season of Gilligan's Island was in black and white. It would have taken a ten second Google search to figure that out. So you actually don't remember correctly, you shirk your bets and you're lazy. If you can't afford to bet ten dollars, don't make the bet. It's irresponsible money management like this that got America into this financial crisis. Well, it may be a crisis for world governments but it is not a crisis for me. I have certain tools at my disposal that the FTC and Congress do not...hired goons. And you better believe they are coming to collect.

Furthermore, your opinions on hot topic issues are supported by no evidence, other than your opinions and observations. I am not contending that socialized health care is feasible, but your argument is completely unsubstantiated. All we have to go on is your reputation. If James says it's so, is it so? Well What do we know about James?

-James doesn't honor his ten dollar bets
-James can't decide which 70-year-old lady he wants to date
-James plays Scrabble on first dates, then contemplates whether to play the word "chlamydia"

What do we know about Scott
-Scott provides tips of the day to the world for free
-Scott resembles Cookie Puss, a delicious Carvel ice cream cake
-Scott's knowledge of pop-culture is unparalleled

Scott wins. Who doesn't love a charitable, all-knowing ice cream cake? Well, OK, people who are lactose intolerant, but besides that? Right! No one! James, I appreciate your input but this is the last letter of yours I am going to publish. If anyone who is not a sexual deviant would like to write a letter to Scott's Tip Of The Day, please email ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you and I look forward to your letters.

Ginger or Mary Ann? -Scott's Third Letter

Scott,

Thanks for such eruditely words of wisdom, don’t have a lot of time to respond today (busy taking care of this Chlamydia problem, and admit it, you used spellcheck to make sure I was right too….we’re even on the ten bucks)but I would like your detailed opinion on one of the most important debates of modern times.

Ginger or Mary Anne?

James

Spring hill, Fl by way of Jersey

Welcome back to the blog, James. You might just be my biggest fan. Well that 800 pound man who never leaves his bed is my biggest fan, but you can be my second biggest fan.

Before we continue, I just wanted to discuss something... Since you are a regular reader, you probably realize that I am all-knowing. Since I am all-knowing, I never have to use spell check for anything. So, James, I am sorry to say we are not even on the ten dollars. The juice is running. I want my money and I want it now, James. Enough with the run around. Give me my money!!!! In your first email you included your phone number and workplace so I know where to find you. Don't make me get my goons, James. I want my money! WHERE'S MY MONEY!?

Well, now that we have put that unpleasantness behind us, let's get to your question. First, how is Ginger vs. Mary Ann one of the most important debates of modern times? (BTW, there is no E in Mary Ann, at least the Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Spell check didn't pick that up, did it? I WANT MY MONEY!) Evolution vs. Creationism. Socialized Health care vs Privatized Health care. These are debates! These are hot issues.

I mean look at the facts, James. Ginger is currently 75-years-old and Mary Ann is 70. What kind of twisted freak are you, James? Who would I rather bang, Grandma 1 or Grandma 2? Neither! How about a 20-something hotty. Emmanuelle Chiquiri or Jessica Biel? turn off TVLAND, James. There is plenty of great contemporary programming on the telly! No need to rub and tug to black and white sitcoms.

But for argument's sake, if I was captured by Dick Cheney and subsequently renditioned in an Egyptian prison, I would probably pick Ginger. Why? Simply because I found her more appealing. But honestly, I generally prefer not to hit on old ladies. Scott's rule to live by: If your love interest collects Social Security, then it's time to find a younger love interest.

I hope I answered your question (again), James. Feel free to keep writing me back. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in your email. I would love to hear from you.
Until the next time...

Scrabble Advice -Scott's Second Letter

GOOD ADVICE ON THE USAGE OF CUNT IN SCRABBLE PLAY, BUT DO YOU THINK CHLAMYDIA IS ACCEPTABLE ON THE FIRST DATE…..AND HOW MANY POINTS WOULD I GET WITH A DOUBLE WORD SCORE?

James

James,

It is good to hear from you. I bet you are glad to see I removed your company name and phone number from your email. That could have been a mess. Would your company continue to employ you if they knew your proclivity for playing dirty words in Scrabble matches? Yeah, you are right, it is probably small time compared to all of the money you have been embezzling.

Before we go any further I would also like to thank you for writing to me using all capital letters. I get easily confused by punctuation, lowercase letters and numbers, so I am glad you broke things down for me.

As for your concerns....

I am unable to tell you how many points you would score playing the word "chlamydia. " There is a very good chance one of the letters in chlamydia would fall on a double or triple letter score in addition to the double word score. Since I don't know where you intend to play this word on the board, it would be difficult if not impossible to advise you on the scoring potential of this word. Additionally, chlamydia is a nine letter word and you only have seven letters at a time in Scrabble. What letters are already on the board?

James. J-dawg. The J-ster. Lets be serious for a moment. You have never played Scrabble before. Ten dollars says you had to use spell check to correct your spelling of chlamydia. Awww. I'm sorry! What? Stop crying! You're a grown man, James! Awww dont blow your nose on your sleeve. James. James??? Are you finished? Good. Look.... you probably shouldn't be taking a girl out to play Scrabble on your first date anyway. I know I suggested it in a previous posting, but there are a lot of other things you can do to impress her. Take your lady friend to the back room in an adult bookstore and show her what the hole in the wall is used for. Take her to Newark, New Jersey and show her how to murder a man and get away with it. What? You live close to Detroit? Yeah. Detroit will work too. Huh? Yeah, hotwiring a car is pretty cool too. You probably want to take her out to dinner afterwards. What? No! Not Mcdonalds! Somewhere classy. Like Wendy's.

Anyway, here is the bottom line: Worry less about scoring in Scrabble and more about scoring on your date and you will be just fine.

I hope I answered your question, James. Feel free to write back. If anyone else has any questions for me, the all knowing Scott, I can be reached at ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. Please include your first name and location in your email. I would love to hear from you.
Until the next time...