Dog Food Is Not For Human Consumption

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The economy looks like it's improving, but a lot of people are still out of work. Bankers on Wall Street were laid off and many of them are still looking for new jobs. It's tough to make ends meet. A lot of people start cutting unnecessary expenses out of their budget. But you know what you shouldn't do to save money? Substitute dog food with people food. I know. I know. It's delicious. Hell, I don't have any money problems. I have a job and I eat it! I wrote to Alpo to express my appreciation:

Dear Alpo, Ever since I lost my job on Wall Street I have been struggling to make ends meet. Recently, I have been eating Alpo instead of my normal diet and let me say, not only is it nutritious but it's delicious too. I have turned a lot of my unemployed stock broker friends onto Alpo and everyone agrees it tastes great. I just wanted to thank you for making such an excellent product and wanted to let you know I was enjoying it.

Alpo replied:


Thank you for contacting Nestlé Purina PetCare Company.

We appreciate your comments. However, this product has been designed for the nutritional needs of dogs rather than people. While we would not expect any of the ingredients to cause ill effects, we do not recommend it for human consumption.

Again, thank you for visiting our website.


So, even though dog food is delicious it is not fit for human consumption. Then again, it would probably not cause any ill effects either. The lesson here? If you eat dog food it won't kill you, but you should probably stick to eating people food.

Exotic Dancing

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Strippers do an impressive job of rationalizing their "craft." "I only strip so I can make enough money to go to school. I only strip to feed my baby...the baby I had with one of the patrons at the strip club. I don't strip, I'm an exotic dancer." Oh! Excuse me! An exotic dancer! I thought an exotic dance was the tango. Apparently exotic dancing is hanging on a pole, taking your clothes off and dancing to Pour Some Sugar On Me. How is that exotic? You come from an American blue collar working class family! The only thing exotic is that Chinese tattoo on your ass. Can't you find girls like this anywhere in America? Any fraternity house at 3AM? There's no such thing as exotic dancers. They are all just strippers!

Oprah Knows Best

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Oprah knows everything. She knows what books you should read, what food you should eat and what celebrities to idolize. Failure to follow Oprah's advice may lead to Oprah eating you whole.

Yankees Front Office

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Charging $1,250 a seat and $10 a beer is not a good way to boost your attendance or keep your loyal fans happy. Similarly, passing out magnetic schedules to the first 18,000 fans in attendance is not a good way to lure fans to a game. "Wow, they gave me a magnetic schedule! Now I can see the schedule of all the games I can't afford to attend this season. Awesome!"

Questions, Comments, Concerns?

Do you want to ask the all-knowing Scott a question? Anything been bothering you lately? Are you trying to impress your boss at work? Are you trying to evade those aliens who keep kidnapping you and probing you? Are you concerned the aliens, who have been kidnapping and probing you, aren't really aliens at all? That perhaps they're your uncle Larry and his friends? Well then shoot Scott an email. ScottsTipOfTheDay@gmail.com. I will answer your questions and straighten you out!

Selena Roberts

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Are you thinking about becoming an investigative journalist? Well, now it's easier than ever. In the past, journalists who wrote books or articles named the sources they used for information. Sure, not everyone was named. It took over 30 years to uncover Deep Throat's identity. But Deep Throat provided verifiable information.

Today Selena Roberts releases her book, The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez. She includes allegations from unnamed sources that say A-Rod tipped pitches to members of opposing teams in hopes they would return the favor and tip pitches back to him, when he was at bat. Roberts also claims A-Rod has been using steroids since he was in high school.

Since Roberts doesn't deem it necessary to name sources, I am going to follow her lead. Incidentally, I talked to some unnamed sources and dug up some information on Selena Roberts.

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts was artificially inseminated with sperm from a giraffe. She then secretly bore a half human-half giraffe baby in the San Diego Zoo. The freak baby's whereabouts are currently unknown, but it is suspected she sold the baby to Osama Bin Laden, who then raised the child as his own. This child is currently fighting in the war in Afghanistan

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts gave a blumpkin to an unnamed New York City homeless man on several occasions between April 20th, 2009 and April 29th 2009.

-According to an anonymous source, Selena Roberts broke into the maternity ward in Mount Sinai hospital, in New York City and then picked up every baby she could find. She then dropped every baby in the maternity ward on the ground, before she exited. She left no evidence behind.

So what's the lesson here? If you can't substantiate rumors and hearsay just attribute it to an anonymous source!

Searching for Bobby Fischer

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The most disappointing part of the movie, Searching for Bobby Fischer, was that the protagonist didn't even bother looking for Bobby Fischer. He spent the whole movie playing Chess! He didn't look in the closet, or under the bed or anything. Needless to say, I found the movie extremely disappointing and kind of a let down. I wouldn't recommend renting it. You're better off just reading a book.