Legos

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If porn sites mysteriously appear in your web browser history, Legos are not to blame.
See below:

Dear Lego, My name is Scott, and my son is a long time Lego user. He loves your legos. He is 14-years old. Lately, my son has been telling me about some unusual behavior with his Lego sets. I recently purchased him a pirate ship lego set. My son claims late at night, the Lego people have been leaving the pirate ship and have been going on my computer and looking at pornographic pictures on the internet. I checked my internet history, and sure enough, it's true. I definitely didn't view these sites, so the only logical explanation is the lego people included in your set did this. Have you ever had similar reports of lego people walking around at night? How come there is no warning on the box? Do you think if i purchase some female lego characters, they will stop going on my computer and remain in the pirate ship? Please advise, as I am very troubled. Thank you.

-Scott



And Lego's response:



Dear Scott Thank you for your interest in LEGO® brand toys. We are here to assist you with inquiries about our products but are at a genuine loss how to respond to your email. The majority of our elements are manufactured from ABS plastics which do not have any animated characteristics and therefore would not be responsible for any internet activity. If you need further assistance please call Customer Service at 1-800-835-4386. Moira LEGO Direct Consumer Services


Apparently Legos are inanimate objects. Who would have guessed? The big question is who has been looking at porn on my computer, when I have been asleep? Any ideas? Hit me up at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com and let me know!

Sense Of Style

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I've discussed the importance of style in previous blog entries. Like my post about Steve Jobs and his black turtlenecks. He wears them all the time! But at least Steve Jobs dresses within the realms of reason. So he wears the same thing every day. Who cares? So does Homer Simpson. It's better then dressing like Lady Gaga (see above picture). What's your deal Lady Gaga? Why does your blouse consist of frog stuffed animals? Are you trying to molest kids in the park? Are you trying to keep flies and other insects at bay? Quit being so weird. You don't even see prostitutes wearing outfits like that.

Lady Gaga, you sing about your desire to ride on my disco stick, but you don't even know me. I have a girlfriend. I don't want you on my disco stick. Not when you look like this without makeup. Gross! Get some plastic surgery! How come everyone in Hollywood has gotten plastic surgery except for you? Are you waiting for an invitation? I'll do it. I'm an unlicensed physician but I think, even I, could fix you up with an exacto blade, some vodka (for sterilization and anesthesia), a couple of band aids and some stitches. I'll tell you what, I'll do it for free.

So what's my point? If you're famous and you're ugly, please get plastic surgery. If you're not famous, I will perform your surgery for free. I'm a good guy, I want to do my part. It may be a little crude, but whatever. Beggars can't be choosers, right? Furthermore, stuffed animals are meant to be played with, not draped on your body like a dress. Remember that, readers. I am gonna quiz you on it later.

America

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I just arrived home from a vacation in British Columbia. It was a lot of fun. Canada is a great place...except for one thing...Canadians' attitude toward Americans. Now, not every Canadian has a problem with Americans, but a lot do. "America starts wars. America pollutes the earth. America turned Michael Jackson white." Etc. Etc. Well, let me respond to some of these critics.

CRITICISM OF AMERICA NUMBER 1: America is a major contributor to earth's air pollution
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: Yeah, well. Air pollution Air shmolution. You think sunsets would be as pretty if pollution wasn't turning the sky some weird hue of pink or orange? NO! Do you think your lungs would be as strong as they are now if they didn't have to sift through the pollution particles to get to oxygen? NO! America is doing the world a favor. America is toughening the world up! Breathe in that pollution! It's good for ya! It will put some hair on your chest!

CRITICISM OF AMERICA NUMBER 2: America starts wars.
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: War. What is it good for? Uh...absolutely EVERYTHING! America spends billions and billions of dollars on its defense budget. We have the newest hi-tech killing toys. And you want us to just let these sit in a base in Georgia and rust? No! We gotta use them. Awww. Don't worry Canada. Don't worry Europe. We don't want to use them on you! How about we use them on the sand people! People who live in hills and caves? People who believe in polygamy and exploding themselves because they believe if they kill themselves fighting infidels they'll get virgins in heaven. Not like they'd know what to do with so many virgins anyway. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. How exactly do these suicide bombers plan to pick up these virgins in heaven. Sure, the virgins will be there for the taking, but what are these guys gonna say to pick em up? Uh, hey, my name is Ahmed. Yeah, I have mites in my beard.... But, I digress. Chill out rest of the world. No one is going to miss these people. We can take all of their oil and we will charge the rest of you reasonable rates for it. What? You still care if we blow them up? What are you crazy? Have you been listening to anything I have been saying?

CRITICISM OF AMERICA 3: America is a bully.
SCOTT'S RESPONSE: Who said that?! I said WHO SAID THAT!? You better shut your mouth before I come over there and beat you down with my strong American arms and unmistakable American swagger.

So as you can see, all criticisms of America are unfounded. America is the best country on earth. We embrace materialism, violence, sex, rock & roll, overindulgance and cold hard cash. If you can find something better to do with your time, I'm all ears.

Vacation

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I will be taking a short vacation so I probably won't be posting for a week or so. In the meantime I suggest you get some payday loans and take a vacation too. This way you won't even know you missed me. If you don't like vacations then maybe you should consider sending your pet on vacation? I bet your dog would love to see Paris. But you wouldn't know that because you never asked him. Did you? DID YOU!? I knew it. You insensitive schmuck! Animals have feelings too.

For all of you who don't have pets, I could think of a lot of things you could spend your money on instead. How about a racecar bed or a Betamax player? Maybe a talking Grubby? I bet you forgot about him. Sure, you remembered Teddy Ruxpin, but Grubby? Teddy Ruxpin's best friend? Who cares about Grubby? I DO. BUY ONE. Or, you could always go to Walmart and buy a shotgun. Then you can shoot stuff. Like Grubby....in your racecar bed...while watching Betamax. It's all coming together now isn't it? No? It's not? Well, take some time this week to think about it. Let it incubate in your head awhile. By the time I'm back, you'll be ready for more.

If in my absense you find yourself lonely, feel free to email me at scottstipoftheday@gmail.com. Tell me what's wrong. What can i do to help? Papa Scott is always here for you. Shhhhh. There there. It will be ok.

Internet Addiction

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you're addicted to the internet? You want to spend less time surfing the web and more time combing the streets for prostitutes. Big ups. Right on. So how do you do it? Good question. According to China, shock therapy is NOT, I repeat, is NOT an appropriate treatment for internet addiction. Well, there goes that idea. Before reading that article I was almost positive shock therapy was the solution. Here are some other suggestions:

-Get addicted to drugs.
If your drug habit is so out of control you are doing drugs 24/7, that's time you won't be spending at the computer. After you get addicted to drugs you can go to rehab. After rehab hopefully you are cured of your drug problem and weened off of your internet addiction. If you relapse, you can always repeat the process. WARNING: Don't die when doing drugs or this whole process is for nothing.

-Get a girlfriend
Maybe if you spent more time wining and dining a girlfriend and less time jackin' it to Japanese bukaki internet porn, you wouldn't be on the internet so much?

-Destroy your computer and your phone
If you don't have a computer or a phone, you probably can't get on the internet. No access to internet, no addiction. Problem solved.

-Make some friends
If you are too much of a spazz to get a girlfriend, you are too puny and weak to destroy your computer and you can't afford a debilitating drug habit, maybe you should make some friends? NO. Not on the internet! In real life. "But Scott, I can't remember what having friends in real life is like." Well, they are just like friends on the internet, except they don't mollest children and they don't have numerals after their name. You can meet these friends in a book club, the back room of an adult video store or an NRA meeting.

Even if you kick your internet addiction, it's ok to check out http://scottstipoftheday.blogspot.com. No one could blame you for that.

Levar Burton

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Toby, erhem, I mean Levar Burton, was involved in a car crash today. It appears Levar is going to be OK. (Sorry CNN, I know you had his obituary written and ready to post.) What a relief! No, seriously, I'm glad. I know you think I'm being sarcastic but I'm not...for once. I often watched Reading Rainbow as a kid. And after I watched, instead of reading books, I watched the other shows that came after it like 3-2-1 Contact or Wild America, with Marty Stouffer. I read less than I would have read, if I had never watched Reading Rainbow at all. This was my first lesson in irony. Events like these shaped me into the cynical bastard I am today. So what's my tip of the day? Don't crash into Levar Burton's car because I will hunt you down and make you pay! I will make you forsake your name and adopt a new one...Toby. If you have to ask "Why Toby?" then you obviously missed the part about irony.

Memory Loss

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know what really grinds my gears? Uh. Hmm. Where was I? What was I saying? I can't remember. Do you? I was complaining about something and then... No? Nothing? Man, memory loss can be a problem. It is a disease inflicting 5,999,999,999 people on earth. The one guy it doesn't effect? Rain Man. That guy can remember everything. From where to buy his underwear (K-mart) to random baseball player statistics. Good for him. But for the rest of us, we need ways to retain information. Here are three easy tips to help you remember things and/or cope with memory loss

-Tattoo any important information on your body. Grocery lists, important dates, addresses, phone numbers etc. When you run out of room you can always just remove expired information with laser surgery.
-Stop smoking, injecting, ingesting and sniffing drugs. Drugs mess up your mind. If you do too many you might forget not to poop your pants. While that would be hilarious for all of your friends, it would not be for you. Unless you wear adult diapers...because then the joke's on them.
-Do less stuff. The less people you know, the less places you go, the less you will have to remember. It's a lot easier to remember things if you're an agoraphobe. You won't have too much to remember if you never leave your house.