Scotch Tape

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Scotch tape does not actually contain any alcohol, Scotch Whiskey or otherwise. Instead of licking Scotch tape all day at work, you are better off just buying a flask.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Karl Rove

Ribbed For Her Pleasure

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Buying condoms at the local pharmacy can be a bit confusing. There are all of these new innovations in condom technology. It aint just lubricated and unlubricated anymore. Now you have different flavors, different textures, pleasure rings. Yes! Pleasure rings! What the hell is a pleasure ring? Am I on Star Trek? Am I in the pharmacy or outer space?! Anyway, I am sure many of you have come across these condoms that are "ribbed for her pleasure." "Ribbed for her pleasure? Why whatever does that mean, Scott?" I am glad you asked! Ribbed for her pleasure means the condoms taste like BBQ ribs. They come in both the St. Louis and Baby Back Variety. Personally I prefer the Baby Back. I mean uhhhhh my girlfriend prefers the Baby Back. Yeah. My girlfriend. Ummm. I am gonna go now.

Ninja Custodians

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If a strange custodian/janitor takes a sudden interest in your personal life, you should be alarmed. I know what you are thinking. "But Scott, he will teach me karate!" No! That was the Karate Kid! That was a movie! In real life he would have kidnapped you, raped you or both. Watch out for those creepy custodians/janitors!

Holograms on Baseball Caps

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you just bought a new baseball cap, eh? WELL STOP! Don't go any further!!! Don't cut off any of the tags on your baseball hat. Don't take any of the stickers or holograms off the brim.... and don't you DARE try arching the flat brim of the cap. Do you want the stickers to peal off? You want to look cool right? Have you been on the subway lately? Have you ever seen a rapper on TV? If you take the hologram off your hat, you might as well throw it away because it will be worthless. How will people know you spent $19.99 or more on the hat if it doesn't have a hologram on it? How will they be able to tell if you take the price tag off? They won't! If you want people to think you are legit, then leave the stickers and holograms on your baseball cap!

How To Run a Back Alley Dentistry Practice

Scott's Tip Of The Day: "Scott, I am sick of my job, I want a new career, but I am not qualified to do anything!" I hear that a lot... and it breaks my heart. Well, here is my step by step guide to becoming a back alley dentist. No diploma or schooling necessary!

STEP 1: Procure Supplies. You will need the following supplies to start your dental practice...

NECESSARY SUPPLIES:
-One bottle of 190 proof Everclear
-Pliers
-Flat-headed screwdriver
-An old reclining chair
-Rohypnol
-Super glue
-Duct Tape
-Rope
-Water
-Gauze
-White paint
-Pebbles
-2-4 Chairs
-Table
-Two curtains w/curtain rods.
-One Toothbrush
-Toothpaste
-Wheelbarrow
-Empty bottles of alcohol

OPTIONAL SUPPLIES:
-Power Drill
-Art Work
-Plant(s)
-Magazines

STEP 2: Find a dark alley with little pedestrian traffic

STEP 3: Set up recliner in dark alley. Place two curtains on either side. This is now your examination room. The other side of one of the curtains will now be your reception area. If you could afford the artwork or plant(s), place them around your alley to give them that dentists office vibe. If you purchased magazines, place them on a table, next to a few chairs. Congrats, now you have your office set up.

STEP 4: Venture off to areas with high concentrations of homeless people. If you are unsure where to look, be sure to check subway stations, under highway overpasses, under bridges and homeless shelters. Actively recruit these people to be your patients. Homeless people don't have a lot of money but if they have a painful tooth, they might be willing to pay you ten dollars they panhandled to fix it.

STEP 5: Patients should start lining up at your office. One by one, bring them into your examining room. First, collect your ten dollar payment. If the patient can't pay, kick them out of the examination room. If they can, ask him "What seems to be the problem." In all likeliness he is not coming to you for a regular check up or teeth cleaning. If he is, just pretend to examine all of his teeth, go "hmmmm mmhmmm mhhmmmm", then brush his teeth and tell him he is fine. (You can use the same toothbrush over and over again on different patients if you wash it semi-regularly.)

If the patient comes to your office because he is in pain, ask them where it hurts. Then tell him to relax, and to ingest the anesthesia (a full glass of Everclear). At this point you must tie the patient to the reclining chair, and tape his head to the chair. Afterwords, rip out the tooth or teeth that you suspect are giving the patient pain with the pliers and/or screwdriver. If you could afford the power drill, you may use this instead. Use gauze to soak up blood. Find a rock that is approximately the same size as their tooth. Paint this rock white and superglue it to the patient's gums. Then force patient to ingest rohypnol. Do not have patient ingest rohypnol right after he drank the anesthesia. That could be very dangerous!!!

STEP 6: Place patient in wheelbarrow and wheel him to a neighboring alley. Cover him with garbage. Place an empty bottle of alcohol in patient's hand. This way if the authorities ever question you, you can deny everything and chalk up the misunderstanding to the homeless man who was drinking.

STEP 7: Repeat over and over until you become rich, you get arrested, or you are assaulted by an angry mob of homeless people.

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Things aren't always what they seem. Everyone assumes Bill Cosby is a cheerful guy because he starred in the popular sitcom "The Cosby Show." What people don't realize is Bill Cosby shoots people in cold blood for fun. Just look at these pictures of Bill from the 60's. The picture on the left was taken at Altamont Speedway December 6, 1969. If you think that concert was cut short because of a "stabbing" you are surely mistaken. The photo on the right is a photo I "found" on Bill Cosby's dresser, when I was taking a "tour" of his house. Remember, things aren't always what they seem.