The Telephone...It Still Works

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I know with the advent of instant messaging, Skype and Twitter there are a many new ways for people to communicate. But the phone still works. Did you hear what happened to Perez Hilton this weekend? He was allegedly assaulted by Will.i.am and his security guards. He then proceeded to tweet he needed help and wanted the police to come immediately. Apparently the police didn't come and he continued to tweet for police assistance. You know why the police didn't come, Perez? Because the police still use the telephone. They don't tweet, you retard! You can't tweet crimes to the police. They are too busy locking up murderers and rapists to check their blackberry for tweets. "OMFG, Perez tweeted he needs help, lets drop everything and run to his side. Framing this black man for drug crimes can wait, lets just go help Perez!" Get real! Maybe if you stopped antagonizing celebrities this wouldn't happen?

If I upset you Perez, I'm not sorry. Tweet about it. Blog about it. Clearly, I am not worried about you inflicting any physical pain on me.

Stalkers

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know what's scary? STALKERS! I wish I had some music on here so I could sufficiently dramatize what I'm saying. STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. I guess that will have to do. Anyway where was I? What was I talking about? What happened to my coffee? Where's my coffee? I guess I drank my coffee. Nevermind people I found my coffee. I am a bit distracted today. Where was I? Oh yeah....

STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. Everyone's got one! OK, maybe not everyone. David Letterman had one. Conan O'Brein had one. And I've got a few too. Important people have them. I guess you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Sucks to be you, dude! What? Who are some of the people that have stalked me? Well, this guy for one.

Yeah, it's the kid from Step By Step! He was in Beethoven too! He's a huge nerd and he's killin my buzz. Wastin my flava' when all I'm tryin' to do is hold it down for the people. I have other stalkers too. People from my past (you know who you are). People from the future. My great grandchildren have travelled back in time to question me why I squandered their inheritance on slap bracelets and pogs. Why? Because they are AWESOME, hellooo!????

Anyway, I am digressing again. It's hard not to digress when someone brings up that nerdy kid from Step By Step, isn't it? I mean, I bet you haven't thought about him in a few years. I bet you are mad I brought him up, because all you want to do is punch him in the face for being such a whiney bitch. I don't blame you. But let's get back to pogs, I mean stalkers, shall we?

STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. I don't like stalkers! Stop creepin and crawlin! This aint the monster mash. This is my life! I'm not Tracy Gold. I'm not fat and washed up, I don't need stalkers to raise my self esteem. If any of you don't think a stalker would brighten up Tracy Gold's life you are surely mistaken. Please note: I am not endorsing the stalking of Tracy Gold, she is just a chick who hasn't been in the spotlight in awhile. You know how women love attention. If someone stalked her she would prob be like "Oh, somebody likes me, lets go get some Fro-yo!" You know? She would prob say "Fro-yo" too. Anytime anyone says "Fro-yo" I die a little inside. Anyway, enough with the frozen yogurt. While I am not endorsing the stalking of Tracy Gold, there are plenty of other celebrities to stalk. You don't need to stalk me! So stop it and stalk someone else instead!

Zionists

Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to the New York Times, Ayatollah Khamenei blames “media belonging to Zionists, evil media” for the reporting of the protests in Iran. But don't be fooled, friends. If Zionists were around, you'd have a lot more bagel shops and delis in Iran.

REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: ScottsTip. I am on the ground in Iran and blogging about my day to day life and the protests. It may seem like I am just some American guy procrastinating at work, but seriously, who would go through the trouble to pretend they are Iranian just for a some really amusing twitter updates?

Eat Animals

Scott's Tip Of The Day: In a recent interview with president Obama, a fly was pestering the President. What did Obama do? He swatted it. PETA, took issue with this. You can read about it here. Really PETA? Don't you think you are undermining any position you have on amimal rights? Don't you think you've gone a little too far? No one likes flies! I mean if I killed a Panda and made a coat out of it (which would be awesome and trendy), I guess I could see how that might upset you. But a fly? What do flies do? They lay eggs in rotting flesh and pester people trying to enjoy the outdoors.

I'm going to start manufacturing PETA swatters. Giant fly swatters, large enough to squash members of PETA. These could also be used on your significant other or babies who cry in grocery stores. Does anyone want to purchase one? Is that inhumane? Maybe we can start a basement fight club where we force PETA members to square off against Jehovas Witnesses. You have to watch out for the Jehovas witnesses. They can give a pretty mean paper cut with their pamphlets.

Anyway, please join my club PAPY- People againt PETA, Yo! Our first meeting is tomorrow. I'll bring the grape drink. What? You want grape juice? You spoiled brat...

Twitter Updates

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You guys can follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/Scottstip. I will be posing as an Iranian protester the next few days. I am just doing my part in helping Iranians to overthrow their oppressive government and I would advise you do the same.

Revolution Twitter

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Sometimes I'm wrong. I know I am the all-knowing Scott, but even I have made mistakes before. Like that time I went to Alabama with a yamulkah on. Or that time I brought shampoo on an airplane. Well, I was wrong again. I mistakenly thought Twitter was a useless invention. I saw people like Ashton Kutcher and Kanye using it and I assumed it was worthless because they had nothing interesting to say. I was wrong.

In protest of the recent election results, many Iranians are using twitter to communicate and organize demonstrations in Iran. They want a less extreme government and I support them 100%. How are Iranians using Twitter in a useful manner? Here are some examples (translated from Persian and other Middle Eastern languages):

AhmedKarim666: OMFG! Revolutionary Guard totally just assaulted 7 of my 14 brothers. I can't tell if Mom is mad because I can't see anything under her face veil, but regardless I'm not going to stand for this!

Iron Sheik69: WTF! Just beaten over head by Ahmenajad supporters. Too bad my mom and sisters aren't allowed to drive because now I can't get to a hospital. Iranian Health care blows camel balls! I'm going to have to mend my wounds with 5 feet of bubble tape (I knew I shouldn't have eaten a foot of bubble gum) and superglue. I'm sad, I was saving that glue for Huffing. :-(

HershelGoldblumsteinowitz: How did I end up in Tehran? LOL! Where am I supposed to find a good bagel around here?

YusefIslam: Man, I knew I should have stayed in London. I could be rocking Peace Train for the 987,984th time.

IranianCarrotTop: OK guys, it's time to demonstrate. But lets have a picnic first. I am all out of my contraband alcoholic beverages so we are gonna have to get drunk on Scope and rubbing alcohol. I'll cover that. Mohammed, you bring the picnic basket. Ahmed, you bring the pita bread and the humus. Ali, you're in charge of olives, dates and figs. Let's meet at the sand dune around 8.


See? Twitter is a revolutionary tool (pun intended).With Twitter posts like these how could you not support it!

Scott's Dissapearing Act - Scott's Ninth Letter

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Today I answer a letter from a fan....

Where have you been? What are you doing when you're not blogging? I miss you when you're away. I work at a bank (not my profession). I come in every morning to check your blog and nothing...can you imagine the horror of it all? Working at a bank and not reading your blog? It's too much for me to handle in a day. Please don't stay away so long.

Paula

Dear Paula,
How are you? Thanks for the email. I am glad you enjoy my blog.
You said you work at a bank, but it's not your profession. Is this a riddle? Are you a security guard? Are you a bank robber? A custodian? Are you a movie star researching a role? Are you Paula Poundstone? Probably not. She isn't a "star," she's more like a planet.

I can imagine the horror you experienced. It sounds pretty bad. It kind of reminds me of the time I saw Paula Poundstone on TV. I cried for days. What? No, I didn't see her naked. I just saw her. She's a scary hippopotamus. Man, I hope you aren't Paula Poundstone. I would be coming off pretty rude right now if you were. Just in case you are Poundstone, I didn't mean to call you a hippopotamus. You are more like Babar. Sure, he is an elephant, but he wears a crown and he's friendly. You just upgraded, my friend!

So what do I do all day when I am not blogging? I like to DJ in my spare time. I spin house music, make mixes and play out every once in awhile. Maybe I will include my next mix in a blog post? This past week I was in Chicago visiting some friends. I ate deep dish pizza and hugged a man dressed like a hot dog outside Wrigley Field. Yes.... really. Clearly, it was an exciting weekend.

So Paula, I will try to blog more often, I apologize for my prolonged absence. I hope your mysterious banking job gets more exciting.

If anyone else has any questions I could field, email the all-knowing Scott at Scottstipoftheday@gmail.com! I am looking forward to it!