Scott's Tip Of The Day: Next week I will be away on business. I'm heading to Europe. My company is flying me coach. Am I worried about the trip? Yes. Am I worried about my performance? How I'm gonna do? Nope. I'm worried about who's sittin' next to on the airplane. There are eight people/types of people I DON'T want to sit next to. When you're on a long plane ride, avoid these people like the plague. Change your seats. Induce a panic attack. Just get out of there!
8. Heavyset Middle Eastern Man with darting eyes and big down jacket.
OK, so the pic is of a kid, not a man. But so what? These terrorists are getting sneaky. And no, I am not racist. It's the darting eyes, and the big jacket that worry me. I suppose if they are sitting anywhere on the plane then you are in trouble, but if you sit next to him on the flight you won't be able to sleep because you'll be watchin' him the whole time. No one wants to sit next to this guy, try to sit elsewhere.
7. Obscenely Obese Man Whose Rolls of Fat Spill Into Your Seat
He's so fat. Oh my God, he's so fat. You can't move because his blubber has spilled into your seat and has paralyzed you. You' starting to suffocate. Is he breathing heavy too? Why is this happening? MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T. Don't sit next to this guy!
6. Man who has never used deodorant before.
Once I was on a train ride from Venice to Milan and the lady I sat next to smelled so bad that I couldn't face forwards because the smell was overpowering and made me gag. I should have thrown her off the train. Maybe you should bring aerosol deodorant with you, just in case. If you don't want to offend the person, wait until they fall asleep and then douse them with it. You will thank me later.
5. Baby who won't stop crying
The best thing to do in this situation is bite into your cyanide pill. A quick death is preferable to a 6 hour+ flight listening to a baby cry.
4. Kid who won't shut up
He's kicking your seat. He's dropping his toys in the aisle. He is hitting his sibling and making them cry. He keeps asking his mom dumb questions like "How come Daddy went into the bathroom with the flight attendant?" Ugh. Shut up kid. You want to hit him, but you know if you do he will just become kid who won't stop crying and that's not much of an improvement.
3. Guy who listens to music on his headphones too loud.
Man, this is awkward. How the hell is he listening to music that loud? He's gonna blow his ears out. I asked him to stop, but he's pretending he can't speak English. It's times like these that you wish you brought your samurai sword on board so you could commit ritual seppuku.
2. Man who had two bloody marys and feels compelled to tell you his life story.
Listen old man. I don't want to hear about your glory days in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Your job selling vacuum cleaners door to door sounds miserable. No. I don't want to see pictures of your wife and kids. I want to sleep. Leave me alone.
1. Robin Williams on cocaine
Man. You thought the guy who had two bloody marys wouldn't shut up. Robin Williams disappeared for five minutes in the bathroom and now he is back with white powder on his nose. He's not even talking to you, he's having a conversation with himself in an African language consisting of mouth popping noises and clicks. But no, it's not even a real language, he is just making it up as he goes along. He didn't even share his cocaine with you. How did he get it on board? You won't survive the plane ride in your seat, so just lock yourself in the bathroom and take a nap. It's your only hope for survival.
