Scott's Tip Of The Day: Kissing yourself in magazine photo shoots may draw negative attention to yourself.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
A-ROD
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Kissing yourself in magazine photo shoots may draw negative attention to yourself.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Roll Over Beethoven
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Chuck Berry wrote the song "Roll Over Beethoven." Personally, if I was going to deliver a message to Beethoven, I would have written a book (or at least a note card or post it note) since Beethoven was deaf and all. I mean sure, Beethoven is dead, but that doesn't necessarily mean he can hear in the afterlife. How did you make such a bad decision, Chuck? Was it the Heroin? Oh, now I remember. You were taking advice from your cousin Marvin. So what's the moral of the story? Don't listen to your cousin Marvin and next time you should think twice before you steal someone's intellectual property rights.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tattoos & Basketball Players
Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you want to be a great basketball player then you need some tattoos.
Example 1: See this guy above? That's Eric Devendorf. He lead Syracuse to a win over Arizona State in the NCAA tournament yesterday. See his tattoos? Yeah. I know you do. He has a few on the other arm as well. Do you see that look of confidence on his face? Do you think he would be confident if he didn't have tattoos? Do you think he would be able to shoot 3 pointers or drive to the basket without tattoos? No way!
Example 2: See this guy above? He has a smile on his face. But don't confuse that smile with confidence. Why? Because when it comes to basketball he has none. "But Scott, how could that be?" Because he has no tattoos. See how short he is? Do you think he would be so short if he had tattoos? No way! He would probably be like nine feet tall. You can practice all you want but if you don't have tattoos, don't expect to be a good basketball player.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Top 10 Reasons People Like Top 10 Lists
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I've noticed that my blog gets a great deal of traffic when I post top 10 lists. Many of you are ask "Why?" Well.....
TOP 10 REASONS PEOPLE LIKE TOP 10 LISTS
10. Well I am pretty sure people enjoy my top 10 lists because people like the crazy pictures. Like this Picture of Urkle I posted a few days ago (see above) . People love it! OK, no one really loves this picture, but I find it hilarious.
9. The American education system aint what it used to be. Most people can't count past ten. When they have an opportunity to count to ten and look smart, they embrace it.
8. Books are big and take a long time to read. Top 10 lists are long, but not as long as a book. You can read them in one sitting.... If you know how to read
7. Because most of you can't watch TV at work, and you don't plan to work at work, so what else is there to do?
6. Ten is the magic number. Many things come in tens. There were ten commandments. We have ten fingers and ten toes. The metric system is based off of multiples of ten. There were originally ten dwarfs. (In the prequel to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, three dwarfs are murdered: Horny, Tipsy and Dainty).
5. Because people are morons (see above).
4. God wanted it that way.
3. Because top 10 lists are less gross and less expensive (free, in fact) than McDonald's Fillet o' Fish.
2. SCOTT'STIPOFTHEDAY SPECIAL EVENT. YOU, THE VIEWER, CAN COME UP WITH REASON NUMBER 2 ON THE TOP 10 REASONS PEOPLE LIKE TOP 10 LISTS. SUBMIT YOUR ANSWER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. A WEEK FROM TODAY I WILL POST THE WINNING ANSWER IN THE SPACE BELOW. WINNER WILL RECEIVE A 2 MINUTE TELEPHONE CALL (continental USA residents only) FROM SCOTT AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ASK SCOTT ONE QUESTION OF YOUR CHOICE. YOU MAY ASK SCOTT WHATEVER YOU WISH (How can I get rich, why does God hate me, etc.) AND SCOTT WILL ANSWER.
WINNING ANSWER:_________________________________________________
1. Because I said so, dammit! (See above...Yes, that's a picture of me)
TOP 10 REASONS PEOPLE LIKE TOP 10 LISTS
10. Well I am pretty sure people enjoy my top 10 lists because people like the crazy pictures. Like this Picture of Urkle I posted a few days ago (see above) . People love it! OK, no one really loves this picture, but I find it hilarious.
9. The American education system aint what it used to be. Most people can't count past ten. When they have an opportunity to count to ten and look smart, they embrace it.
8. Books are big and take a long time to read. Top 10 lists are long, but not as long as a book. You can read them in one sitting.... If you know how to read
7. Because most of you can't watch TV at work, and you don't plan to work at work, so what else is there to do?
6. Ten is the magic number. Many things come in tens. There were ten commandments. We have ten fingers and ten toes. The metric system is based off of multiples of ten. There were originally ten dwarfs. (In the prequel to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, three dwarfs are murdered: Horny, Tipsy and Dainty).
5. Because people are morons (see above).
4. God wanted it that way.
3. Because top 10 lists are less gross and less expensive (free, in fact) than McDonald's Fillet o' Fish.
2. SCOTT'STIPOFTHEDAY SPECIAL EVENT. YOU, THE VIEWER, CAN COME UP WITH REASON NUMBER 2 ON THE TOP 10 REASONS PEOPLE LIKE TOP 10 LISTS. SUBMIT YOUR ANSWER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. A WEEK FROM TODAY I WILL POST THE WINNING ANSWER IN THE SPACE BELOW. WINNER WILL RECEIVE A 2 MINUTE TELEPHONE CALL (continental USA residents only) FROM SCOTT AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ASK SCOTT ONE QUESTION OF YOUR CHOICE. YOU MAY ASK SCOTT WHATEVER YOU WISH (How can I get rich, why does God hate me, etc.) AND SCOTT WILL ANSWER.
WINNING ANSWER:_________________________________________________
1. Because I said so, dammit! (See above...Yes, that's a picture of me)
March Madness
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Unfortunately, "March Madness" is not listed as a medical condition in the Merck Manual so think twice before calling in sick at work with this excuse.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Biggest Ball of Twine
Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know where you can find the world's biggest ball of twine? Just look for the world's biggest waste of space. It's right outside his house.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Top 10 Wackiest TV Neighbors
Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you are out of a job. How can you make some extra money? Well first you have to ask yourself what you are good at. Watching TV? Well why don't you write a sitcom. You don't know anything about writing television shows? That's ok. The most important part of a sitcom is the wacky neighbor. A sitcom aint a sitcom if there is no wacky neighbor. Let me show you what I mean:
TOP 10 TELEVISION WACKY NEIGHBORS
10. Quagmire from Family Guy
Quagmire will stick his penis into anything. And he is a cartoon! What could be wackier than that?
9. Mr. Furley from Three's Company
Erratic body movements, ridiculous faces.... Doesn't Don Knotts look like he could have a full-out stoke at any minute?
8. Kimmy Gibler from Full House
If Kimmy Gibler fell drowned in a kiddy pool no one would miss her. Nonetheless you can't say she's not wacky.
7. Urkel from Family Matters
He likes cheese. He's a clutz. You kind of want to stab him. Yeah...he's wacky.
6. Ned Flanders from The Simpsons
The church loving, english garbling neighbor of the Simpsons. He's kind of demented in a less obvious way. I felt bad for not including him in my top 10 best mustaches so I figured I would make up for it by throwing him on this list.
5. Marcy from Married With Children
The sole woman to make this list (Sorry Kimmy Gibler, I am calling your sexuality into question). Marcy always seems to have PMS. She has a bizarre sex life, and she voluntarily hangs out with Peg Bundy. What's wrong with her?
4. Vinny from Doogie Howser M.D.
Vinny, you stereotypical Italian bastard, why don't you learn to use the front door instead of climbing into Doogie's window all the time?
3. Cockroach from The Cosby Show
More of a friend than a neighbor. He goes by the name Cockroach though. That's amusing enough. I wanted to use Rudy's chubby white friend who lives next door but I couldn't find any pictures of him on the internet. I am surprised nobody started a fan club for that kid. I wonder where he is now....
2. Boner from Growing Pains
His name is Boner! Need I say more?
1. Kramer from Seinfeld
He's like every wacky neighbor rolled into one. He has so many idiosyncrasies I don't know where to begin. He's pretty entertaining though.
Anyway, if you follow one of these wacky neighbor models your show is bound to be a success. Just don't forget old Scott over here when you get your royalty checks from the network.
TOP 10 TELEVISION WACKY NEIGHBORS
10. Quagmire from Family Guy
Quagmire will stick his penis into anything. And he is a cartoon! What could be wackier than that?
9. Mr. Furley from Three's Company
Erratic body movements, ridiculous faces.... Doesn't Don Knotts look like he could have a full-out stoke at any minute?
8. Kimmy Gibler from Full House
If Kimmy Gibler fell drowned in a kiddy pool no one would miss her. Nonetheless you can't say she's not wacky.
7. Urkel from Family Matters
He likes cheese. He's a clutz. You kind of want to stab him. Yeah...he's wacky.
6. Ned Flanders from The Simpsons
The church loving, english garbling neighbor of the Simpsons. He's kind of demented in a less obvious way. I felt bad for not including him in my top 10 best mustaches so I figured I would make up for it by throwing him on this list.
5. Marcy from Married With Children
The sole woman to make this list (Sorry Kimmy Gibler, I am calling your sexuality into question). Marcy always seems to have PMS. She has a bizarre sex life, and she voluntarily hangs out with Peg Bundy. What's wrong with her?
4. Vinny from Doogie Howser M.D.
Vinny, you stereotypical Italian bastard, why don't you learn to use the front door instead of climbing into Doogie's window all the time?
3. Cockroach from The Cosby Show
More of a friend than a neighbor. He goes by the name Cockroach though. That's amusing enough. I wanted to use Rudy's chubby white friend who lives next door but I couldn't find any pictures of him on the internet. I am surprised nobody started a fan club for that kid. I wonder where he is now....
2. Boner from Growing Pains
His name is Boner! Need I say more?
1. Kramer from Seinfeld
He's like every wacky neighbor rolled into one. He has so many idiosyncrasies I don't know where to begin. He's pretty entertaining though.
Anyway, if you follow one of these wacky neighbor models your show is bound to be a success. Just don't forget old Scott over here when you get your royalty checks from the network.
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