Interview Tips

Scott's Tip Of The Day: So you're interviewing for a job? You had been working in the same place for 10 years and you don't remember how to interview. You're probably nervous too. Don't know what to do? Good thing I'm here to set you straight. Just follow my simple tips and you will be OK:

MASTERING THE INTERVIEW

-Always begin your interview by referring to your interviewer as "Colonel." The interviewer will then probably say, "I am not a colonel. I am not in the army, why did you call me that?" At this point say "Oh I assumed by your good posture and your chiseled body that I must be talking to a successful military man." Your interviewer will be flattered and this will set you on the right track for the rest of the interview.

-One thing that really frightens employers, especially the HR department is the prospect of lawsuits. No one will want to employ you if they suspect you will be a source of litigation. So what do you do? Allay their fears. Over the course of the interview, it is advisable that on at least 12 different occasions, you interrupt the interviewer to say "I just want to stress, I will not be suing you for sexual harassment if you hire me. Seriously, I would never sue you for millions of dollars. Seriously" They will feel a lot more comfortable hiring you after this disclosure.

-Gesticulate a lot when you are talking. Did you ever used to make shadow animals on the wall when you were a kid? Do that during your interview when you are talking. Also, clench your fist like an irate Mussolini and bang it on the table. If you really want to show you are passionate take your shoe off and slam it on your interviewers desk. Hey, it worked for Khrushchev! Oh wait, it didn't work for him. But it will probably work for you!

-When your interview is over, make sure to hug the person who interviewed you. Give them a big bear hug. Everyone shakes hands. That's pedestrian. You want to stand out. So give the potential boss a big hug and you'll get a lot of loving back.... in the form of a new job!

Follow these tips and you will be working in no time. What's that? Oh. Don't thank me. Just send me 10% of your new salary. That's all the thanks I need.

Bubbles

Scott's Tip Of The Day: It's a sad day when Michael Jackson dies. Everybody loved him. Especially the American judicial system, for it's not often that judges give a child molester two second chances. But hey, if you recorded Thriller you would have gotten away with diddling kids too.

In the wake of all of this, a lot of people are upset. Rightfully so. There's like over a million peeps in England who bought tickets to see Jackson live that are SOL. Hopefully they get their money back. If they bought scalped tickets I imagine they are really screwed. Then there's Michael's family. His kids Blanket, Blanket 2 and Blanket 3, or Price Blanket or whatever they're called. Lucky for them, Michael's mom, Katherine Jackson, pumped 9 babies out of her vuh-jay jay (for future reference it's called birth control Katherine, you can find it in any pharmacy), so they should be able to find an Uncle or Aunt to watch over them. Don't leave them with Jermaine though. He named one of his kids Jermajesty. That by itself should be considered some kind of child abuse, but that's another can of worms all together.

And then, there's someone we're all forgetting. Bubbles. Am I the only one that remembers this chimp? Michael slept with him in his room. He let Bubbles use his private bathroom. Then Michael had children, Bubbles got violent and Michael sent Bubbles away. Where is Bubbles during all of this? Is he still in his animal sanctuary? I didn't read about his chauefer driving him in his Chimp Limo to the hospital. He must still be hurting. Maybe Bubbles was embarassed that he still wears diapers? Maybe he didn't think the hospital staff would let him in? NO CHIMPS ALLOWED. What a backwards world we live in. I don't want to live in a world where a chimp can't visit me in the hospital.

Anyway, Bubbles, Michael was a little loopy, so don't take it personally. You don't have a private bathroom in your animal sanctuary and I am sure it's embarassing having all of those chimps watch you poop on the ground, but Michael loved you. I love you too Bubbles. I understand it's only natural to want to bite a kid named Blanket. I feel the same way, and I may have tried to bite him too. Let's do dinner sometime, yes? Have your chimps call my people. I know a great place we can get a bannana split.

Mark Sanford AWOL

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Remastered Remixed Redux

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When one goes back to change something that is already great, they usually ruin it. Just look at Star Wars. Why did you change the Ewok Dance song at the end of Return of the Jedi? Did you think I wouldn't notice, George? I did! Why did you replace guns with walkie talkies in E.T., Stephen Spielberg! Wouldn't it be funny if Elliot got capped?

But on the other hand, sometimes, a fresh set of eyes can really improve something. The above Youtube video is a perfect example of that.

The Telephone...It Still Works

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I know with the advent of instant messaging, Skype and Twitter there are a many new ways for people to communicate. But the phone still works. Did you hear what happened to Perez Hilton this weekend? He was allegedly assaulted by Will.i.am and his security guards. He then proceeded to tweet he needed help and wanted the police to come immediately. Apparently the police didn't come and he continued to tweet for police assistance. You know why the police didn't come, Perez? Because the police still use the telephone. They don't tweet, you retard! You can't tweet crimes to the police. They are too busy locking up murderers and rapists to check their blackberry for tweets. "OMFG, Perez tweeted he needs help, lets drop everything and run to his side. Framing this black man for drug crimes can wait, lets just go help Perez!" Get real! Maybe if you stopped antagonizing celebrities this wouldn't happen?

If I upset you Perez, I'm not sorry. Tweet about it. Blog about it. Clearly, I am not worried about you inflicting any physical pain on me.

Stalkers

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You know what's scary? STALKERS! I wish I had some music on here so I could sufficiently dramatize what I'm saying. STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. I guess that will have to do. Anyway where was I? What was I talking about? What happened to my coffee? Where's my coffee? I guess I drank my coffee. Nevermind people I found my coffee. I am a bit distracted today. Where was I? Oh yeah....

STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. Everyone's got one! OK, maybe not everyone. David Letterman had one. Conan O'Brein had one. And I've got a few too. Important people have them. I guess you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Sucks to be you, dude! What? Who are some of the people that have stalked me? Well, this guy for one.

Yeah, it's the kid from Step By Step! He was in Beethoven too! He's a huge nerd and he's killin my buzz. Wastin my flava' when all I'm tryin' to do is hold it down for the people. I have other stalkers too. People from my past (you know who you are). People from the future. My great grandchildren have travelled back in time to question me why I squandered their inheritance on slap bracelets and pogs. Why? Because they are AWESOME, hellooo!????

Anyway, I am digressing again. It's hard not to digress when someone brings up that nerdy kid from Step By Step, isn't it? I mean, I bet you haven't thought about him in a few years. I bet you are mad I brought him up, because all you want to do is punch him in the face for being such a whiney bitch. I don't blame you. But let's get back to pogs, I mean stalkers, shall we?

STALKERS DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. I don't like stalkers! Stop creepin and crawlin! This aint the monster mash. This is my life! I'm not Tracy Gold. I'm not fat and washed up, I don't need stalkers to raise my self esteem. If any of you don't think a stalker would brighten up Tracy Gold's life you are surely mistaken. Please note: I am not endorsing the stalking of Tracy Gold, she is just a chick who hasn't been in the spotlight in awhile. You know how women love attention. If someone stalked her she would prob be like "Oh, somebody likes me, lets go get some Fro-yo!" You know? She would prob say "Fro-yo" too. Anytime anyone says "Fro-yo" I die a little inside. Anyway, enough with the frozen yogurt. While I am not endorsing the stalking of Tracy Gold, there are plenty of other celebrities to stalk. You don't need to stalk me! So stop it and stalk someone else instead!

Zionists

Scott's Tip Of The Day: According to the New York Times, Ayatollah Khamenei blames “media belonging to Zionists, evil media” for the reporting of the protests in Iran. But don't be fooled, friends. If Zionists were around, you'd have a lot more bagel shops and delis in Iran.

REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: ScottsTip. I am on the ground in Iran and blogging about my day to day life and the protests. It may seem like I am just some American guy procrastinating at work, but seriously, who would go through the trouble to pretend they are Iranian just for a some really amusing twitter updates?