Salvation Army

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I don't donate to the Salvation Army and neither should you. What kind of person financially supports violence?

Sexual Harassment

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't think of sexual harassment as a crime. Think of it as a lifestyle choice.

Rudy Guliani

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Learning about someone's background is important. You can tell a lot about someone from their background, especially their family. For example, take Rudy Guliani. I spent millions of dollars in research studying his speech impediment. After examining unique tonal inflections and taking note of his tendancy to slobber, I was able to reconstruct his family tree. What did we learn after studying Guliani's background? We learn he fucked a duck.

Cocktail

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're underage and you want a cocktail, I hear they prescribe you one when you get AIDS.

Fat Albert

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Even though Fat Albert tries to lecture you at the end of every Fat Albert And The Junkyard Gang episode remember this: Fat Albert freely elects to chill out in the junkyard. You know what's in the junkyard? Broken glass, vermin, disease, the foul stench of misc unidentifiable things decaying and dying....the list goes on and on. Furthermore Fat Albert is grossly overweight. What is he 13 going on 4 heart attacks? And he hangs out with a guy with a speech impediment and another guy named Dumb Donald. Would your mom even let you hang out with this kid? (If the answer is yes, you have bigger problems than I initially thought). Think twice before taking his advice.

Cowboys & Indians

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Cowboys and Indians have changed a lot over the years. Cowboys used to have showdowns at the OK coral. Now they open mouth kiss on the prairie. Indians used to scalp their enemies. Now they bust you in blackjack.

Dinosaurs

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many evangelical christians believe dinosaur bones are fake and the devil placed them on earth to test their faith in God (See here). I agree. Dinosaurs are silly, how could they be real? I would also reccomend giving a second thought to believing in Orange Julius (the devil's drink), micro machines (how did the devil make these cars so small?) and Gilbert Gottfried (How did the devil make his voice so annoying?).

Never Shake A Baby

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Never shake a baby. You might hurt them. Punch them instead.

Don't Take Candy From Strangers

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't take candy from strangers, but if you do, take as much as you can eat and then go to the hospital and get your stomach pumped.

AA(A)

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're at the AAA and you are wondering why the travel services seem limited, there are no employers eager to help you and there are a circle of people lamenting over past transgressions, then you probably walked into an AA meeting by accident.

The Boogie Nights-Baby Beluga Conspiracy

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many of you already know that if you play the Pink Floyd album, Dark Side of The Moon, while watching the film, The Wizard of Oz , the two appear to be mysteriously synched. Various sound effects from the album correspond with events in the film.
What you probably didn't know is if you synch up the Raffi album, Baby Beluga, with the movie, Boogie Nights, everytime Mark Wahlberg fornicates Baby Beluga audibly shoots water out of his blowhole.

Mail Order Brides

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you happen to be in the mail order bride business, it is advisable you ship all mail order brides one-day express shipping in a large box filled with styrofoam packing peanuts. If you decide to save money and ship regular 5-9 day shipping, the mail order bride may expire before it is delivered. Then you will have to replace the expired mail order bride with a new one, which is actually more expensive than just shipping the mail order bride 1 day shipping in the first place.

The Neverending Story

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't be deceived by The Neverending Story's title. Its runtime is only 89 minutes. The only thing never-ending is the regret you will feel after watching the Neverending Story 2 and/or 3.

Construction

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you want to work in construction you have to know how to use an industrial strength glue gun. "Where can I learn about glue guns?" you ask. Well, it's easier than you think. Just go to your local video store and go to the "Hardcore Bondage" section. they have plenty of "instructional" videos that are guaranteed to help you out.

Scott Summers/Donna Summer(s)

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Most people don't realize that X-man Scott Summers, aka Cyclops, is twins with disco diva Donna Summer. Donna Summer, although not a member of the X-men, is also a mutant. (She dropped the last 's' off of her last name in an attempt to distance herself from her controversial mutant roots). Her super powers include the ability to make gay, middle aged men dance uncontrollably, merely by singing.

Whitney Houston

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Despite popular belief, W HOUSTON street in New York City does not stand for Whitney Houston Street. It is actually called West Houston Street.

Snow

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Eskimos have over fifty words for snow. Some of them include:

• powder
• junk
• snuff
• yeyo
• base
• snort

Yogurt

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The best yogurt is actually alive when you eat it. If you don't believe me see here. So basically, you have a live cup of yogurt in your fridge. It knows you want to eat it. It sees that half empty milk container in there. It knows you are coming for it next. So what can you do to protect yourself from a yogurt attack?

• Keep a loaded gun trained on the refrigerator when opening it. If something looks suspicious then shoot first and ask questions later.
• Cover yourself with a biohazard suit or full body condom while opening your fridge so the yogurt cannot latch onto your body and permeate your skin
• Avoid discussing sensitive yogurt issues in the vicinity of your yogurt. Some examples of sensitive yogurt issues include The Bolivian Yogurt Holocaust of 1924, the great ice cream vs. frozen yogurt debate and the 2006 Interstate 95 Frogurt Fatality

And always remember to avoid making eye contact with your yogurt

Julius Caesar

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many books have been written about Julius Caesar over the years, but few, if any, give Caesar credit for his greatest contribution to modern society, Orange Julius

Condoms

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Condoms may prevent babies, but they won't stop you from having intercourse with ugly women.

Homogenized Milk

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You don't have to be gay to drink homogenized milk

Old Age Home

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you are young and really lazy and you don't like cooking or cleaning, try dying your hair grey and checking into an old age home. You don't have to get up to go to the bathroom because you have a bedpan. A nurse bathes you and changes your sheets regularly. You have no shortage of people to play mahjong with and you have all the apple sauce you can eat.

Pacifiers

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you are over the age of three, chances are you are too old to be using a pacifier

Reggae Concerts

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Purchasing and consuming snacks from unregistered vendors at reggae concerts can mysteriously lead to disorientation, lightheadedness, uncontrollable laughter, sleepiness and really bad dancing.

Mothballs

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Although mothballs are a tasty treat, they were actually created to protect your sweaters and knit garments from mold or moth larvae when stored out-of-season. This doesn't mean you can't enjoy a mothball now and then. Just make sure to save some for your out-of-season garments.

Operation

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Just because you are good at the Milton Bradley game Operation, doesn't mean you are qualified to perform operations on real people

Glass Ceiling

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Broken glass is very dangerous, so stay below the glass ceiling.

Kidnapping vs. Babysitting

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Choosing the right words when constructing a sentence is key to conveying the intended meaning. For example: If you say "I offered candy to a kid in the park, then kidnapped him and locked him in my basement" people might interpret that as threatening and/or disturbing. This reflects badly on you and there may be other undesirable consequences. You don't want that. However, if you say "I think it's important to give back to the community. No child should go hungry and I make sure every child in my community has something to eat and a roof over his head" people will admire you for your socially deviant behavior.

Role Model

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When choosing a role model, try to pick someone who is extremely successful at what they do, like Michael Jackson or Brittney Spears.