Money Can't Buy You Love

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Money can't buy you love. But, it can buy you a real housewife of Orange County.

Pics Of Your Kids On Facebook

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Nobody thinks its cute when you put a picture of your child on your Facebook profile page in lieu of your own pic. Nobody is amused. Nobody cares.

You have a child. We get it. Great. Is he dressed up for Halloween or does he normally dress like a sailor? Does your son normally look like a member of the village people? What? He does? That's awful.

Do you realize your ex-girlfriend is probably printing out tons of pics of your baby and hanging them up all over her room imagining what it would have been like if she didn't sleep with your best friend (who also happens to be your facebook friend) and ruin your engagement?

Did you notice you forgot to turn on your privacy settings and millions of people from around the world are viewing your profile and laughing at your kid because he looks like that guy from South America with hair all over his face?

If anybody thinks your son is cute, they won't after seeing him every day in their Facebook feed for the next 3 years. Your son will not be grateful that you paraded pictures of him going doo doo in his first potty all over social networking sights. So do the world a favor and replace your kid's picture with that pic from college where you are belligerently drunk and grabbing your junk in a lewd, obscene manner.

Midgets

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Conversing with a midget for more than five minutes at a time without offending him is almost a futile endeavor. Nonetheless, I figured it would be prudent to advise you on some common pitfalls I have encountered over the years while talking to my little friends..

RULE NUMBER 1: Midgets don't like to be called "midgets". They preferred to be called "little people". You may think "little people" sounds more demeaning than "midgets." You wouldn't be the only one. Midgets also don't like to be called leprechauns, dwarfs, hell spawns, midge(s), lawn jockeys, baby people, God's little mistakes or elves.

RULE NUMBER 2: Midget tossing must be consensual between the tosser and the tossee. Putting roofies or GHB in a midget's drink to soften him up to the idea of getting tossed is just as bad as date rape.

RULE NUMBER 3: Asking a midget if he has a tiny penis is not appropriate conversation. It's an interesting question, that's for sure, but social norms dictate this subject matter is off limits. Similarly, asking a midget about his pot of gold, magical powers and/or requesting free Keebler baked goods is bound to provoke a hostile reaction.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you were born in the early 1980's, like myself, you probably watched a lot of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT). TMNT was a great cartoon, but it propagated many myths which are still being dispelled to this day. This post is an attempt to undo any damage TMNT might have done to you during your formative years.

MYTH 1 - Pouring Nuclear Waste On Yourself Will Mutate You Into An Indestructible Karate Warrior



Unfortunately, pouring nuclear waste on yourself does not give you special powers. You may end up looking like Sloth from Goonies, but without the retard strength (bummer). Pouring nuclear waste on yourself does not turn you into a giant turtle, rat, pig or rhinoceros. It is, however, a great way to contract cancer.

MYTH 2 - Turtles Like Pizza


Feeding your pet turtle pizza will kill it. Turtle digestive systems were not designed to handle pizza. No amount of nuclear waste you pour on your turtle will change this. Lord knows I've tried. Feed your turtle salad or apple sauce. I think they like bugs too.

MYTH 3 - Hanging Out In The Sewer Is Cool.


Hanging out in the sewer is even worse than sitting through a Jimmy Fallon sketch on Saturday Night Live. The sewer smells like doo doo. It's dark and unheated. There are a lot of roaches, rats and diseases down there. If you are looking for a cool place to hang out ask your daddy to build you a tree house or something. If you don't have a daddy just find a neighbor with a tree house and take it by force. I am pretty sure that's legal.

MYTH 4 - If You Befriend A Strange Mutant He Will Teach You Karate


If a giant man who looks like a rat offers to be your friend and teach you karate, take a step back and think for a minute. Does he look familiar? Why does he look familiar? You saw him on NBC Dateline's To Catch A Predator, didn't you? Yeah you did. He was the guy with the wine coolers. Remember kids. Karate will often make you sore. But if it makes your butt sore that's the wrong kind of sore.


MYTH 5 - Hot Newscasters Enjoy Hanging Out With Mutants


April was pretty hot. She seemed pretty personable too. As far as cartoons I would date she is only second on the list to Jessica Rabbit. So what was she doing hanging out with 4 mutant turtles and a mutant rat? Was her self esteem flawed? Probably, but she still wouldn't hang out with a bunch of mutants. No one is that friendly. Especially a reporter. Beware of attractive newscasters who take a sudden interest in you. Also, it's generally a good idea to watch out for girls named after months of the year. They tend to be strippers.

Pink Panther

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I am sure you are all wondering how so many people insulate their house with Pink Panther insulation when there was only one Pink Panther. I mean, how much Pink Panther blood and guts could there be to go around? Well, to be quite honest, the manufacturer lied. Very little Pink Panther insulation is actually made of the Pink Panther. It mostly consists of his friends, family, acquaintances and business associates

Burlington Coat Factory

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The Burlington Coat factory's motto is "We're more than great coats." This begs the question "If I buy a great coat, what else could I possibly need?" You know the answer to this and so do I....You need inappropriate physical contact with Burlington Coat Factory salespeople. Be that as it may, I have firsthand knowledge that the employees of Burlington Coat Factory (male or female) do not provide this service. Attempting to engage in such behavior may even lead to swift action by the local authorities. So in conclusion, despite its promises, The Burlington Coat Factory is actually nothing more than great coats.

Kool Aid

Scott's Tip Of The Day: As startling as it sounds, the Kool Aid Man's seeming inability to open doors is responsible for more damage to American housing than any hurricane or tropical storm on record.

Jack Bauer

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If Jack Bauer has taught us anything, it's that any time sensitive crisis can be solved with a little choking and shouting.

Pregnancy Tests

Scott's Tip Of The Day: One common complaint with take home pregnancy tests is that it is difficult to read the indicator. "Am I pregnant or Not? What does this blue splotch mean?" The truth of the matter is if you can't read a simple pregnancy test, you are definitely unfit to be a parent. The best course of action is going to Dr. Shadystein and getting an abortion. Afterwards, getting your tubes tied is probably a good idea too. Just in case, you should also probably never have sex again.

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Going strictly by her name I imagine some good places to look would be Spain, Latin America or the Bronx

Thanksgiving

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Thanksgiving is a day where you should give thanks for all of the good things happening in your life. This year I am thankful for a crippled U.S. economy, rising tensions between the United States and Russia, nuclear proliferation, ever increasing energy costs, raging wildfires and other natural disasters, America's increased reliance on poorly crafted foreign goods, outsourced tech support guys with a poor command of the English language, Vegetarians/Vegans who think tofurkey is "cute", robot solicitation calls, people who put pictures of their ugly babies as their default facebook photo, the movie Saw XVII, people who don't understand the right lane is for driving and the left lane is for passing, evangelical Christians who try to impose their belief system on everyone else, Scientology and other cults (...I mean religions....wait...nope I really meant cults), dog owners who dress their ugly little fifi dogs up in sweaters and cauliflower.
What are you thankful for?

Lashing Out

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When elephants get aggravated and stressed over the destruction of their habitat they have been known to lash out and rape rhinoceroses. When your cellmate, Ramon, gets aggravated because you got caught up in the moment and burned his mattress in a prison riot he has been known to........

Standardized Testing

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many people think standardized tests are unfair. These also happen to be the same people who perform badly on them.

Judgement Day

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When you die and you are standing at the pearly gates, the first thing you're asked isn't "Have you been good?" or "Are you sorry for your sins?" Nope. The first thing they ask you is "Did you have a Jesus fish on your car?" or "Did you ever hang rosaries from your rear view mirror?" "Do you have a Jesus bobble head on your dashboard?" If you can't answer yes to any of these questions then they send you to hell. God doesn't care about your thoughts, good intentions or actions on earth. All he cares is that you show everyone your love of him by hanging tasteless religious chachkas all over your car.

Qatar Hero

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you live in the middle east and you are having trouble playing Guitar Hero in your cave because sand keeps getting in your xbox, then I have good news for you. Pick up a copy of Qatar hero and make those problems a forgotten memory. Allāhu Akba!

Liam Neeson vs. Ralph Fiennes

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When trying to tell the difference between Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson, the first thing you need to ask yourself is..."My, God. How on earth did I get this bored?"

We Built This City

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When building a city, build on a structurally sound surface, not rock and roll.

Pharmacies

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Always remember to make sure the pharmacy that fills your drug prescriptions is licensed to do so. I had been taking my prescriptions to the same dark alley for over three years before I realized the pharmacist prescribing me drugs was unlicensed. He didn't even go to pharmacy school...or prescribe me the correct medicine!

Polio String Cheese

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Always read the nutrition facts on the food you buy. Eating too much of a particular food can be unhealthy. Just ask FDR, who contracted polio after eating abnormally large portions of Polio String Cheese. Oh wait, you can't ask him...because he ate too much polio string cheese.

New Kids On The Block

Scott's Tip Of The Day: When you're 5 years old and you go see the New Kids On The Block that's cool. When you are 20+ years old and you go see the New Kids On The Block that's sad

Salvation Army

Scott's Tip Of The Day: I don't donate to the Salvation Army and neither should you. What kind of person financially supports violence?

Sexual Harassment

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't think of sexual harassment as a crime. Think of it as a lifestyle choice.

Rudy Guliani

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Learning about someone's background is important. You can tell a lot about someone from their background, especially their family. For example, take Rudy Guliani. I spent millions of dollars in research studying his speech impediment. After examining unique tonal inflections and taking note of his tendancy to slobber, I was able to reconstruct his family tree. What did we learn after studying Guliani's background? We learn he fucked a duck.

Cocktail

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're underage and you want a cocktail, I hear they prescribe you one when you get AIDS.

Fat Albert

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Even though Fat Albert tries to lecture you at the end of every Fat Albert And The Junkyard Gang episode remember this: Fat Albert freely elects to chill out in the junkyard. You know what's in the junkyard? Broken glass, vermin, disease, the foul stench of misc unidentifiable things decaying and dying....the list goes on and on. Furthermore Fat Albert is grossly overweight. What is he 13 going on 4 heart attacks? And he hangs out with a guy with a speech impediment and another guy named Dumb Donald. Would your mom even let you hang out with this kid? (If the answer is yes, you have bigger problems than I initially thought). Think twice before taking his advice.

Cowboys & Indians

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Cowboys and Indians have changed a lot over the years. Cowboys used to have showdowns at the OK coral. Now they open mouth kiss on the prairie. Indians used to scalp their enemies. Now they bust you in blackjack.

Dinosaurs

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many evangelical christians believe dinosaur bones are fake and the devil placed them on earth to test their faith in God (See here). I agree. Dinosaurs are silly, how could they be real? I would also reccomend giving a second thought to believing in Orange Julius (the devil's drink), micro machines (how did the devil make these cars so small?) and Gilbert Gottfried (How did the devil make his voice so annoying?).

Never Shake A Baby

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Never shake a baby. You might hurt them. Punch them instead.

Don't Take Candy From Strangers

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't take candy from strangers, but if you do, take as much as you can eat and then go to the hospital and get your stomach pumped.

AA(A)

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you're at the AAA and you are wondering why the travel services seem limited, there are no employers eager to help you and there are a circle of people lamenting over past transgressions, then you probably walked into an AA meeting by accident.

The Boogie Nights-Baby Beluga Conspiracy

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many of you already know that if you play the Pink Floyd album, Dark Side of The Moon, while watching the film, The Wizard of Oz , the two appear to be mysteriously synched. Various sound effects from the album correspond with events in the film.
What you probably didn't know is if you synch up the Raffi album, Baby Beluga, with the movie, Boogie Nights, everytime Mark Wahlberg fornicates Baby Beluga audibly shoots water out of his blowhole.

Mail Order Brides

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you happen to be in the mail order bride business, it is advisable you ship all mail order brides one-day express shipping in a large box filled with styrofoam packing peanuts. If you decide to save money and ship regular 5-9 day shipping, the mail order bride may expire before it is delivered. Then you will have to replace the expired mail order bride with a new one, which is actually more expensive than just shipping the mail order bride 1 day shipping in the first place.

The Neverending Story

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Don't be deceived by The Neverending Story's title. Its runtime is only 89 minutes. The only thing never-ending is the regret you will feel after watching the Neverending Story 2 and/or 3.

Construction

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you want to work in construction you have to know how to use an industrial strength glue gun. "Where can I learn about glue guns?" you ask. Well, it's easier than you think. Just go to your local video store and go to the "Hardcore Bondage" section. they have plenty of "instructional" videos that are guaranteed to help you out.

Scott Summers/Donna Summer(s)

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Most people don't realize that X-man Scott Summers, aka Cyclops, is twins with disco diva Donna Summer. Donna Summer, although not a member of the X-men, is also a mutant. (She dropped the last 's' off of her last name in an attempt to distance herself from her controversial mutant roots). Her super powers include the ability to make gay, middle aged men dance uncontrollably, merely by singing.

Whitney Houston

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Despite popular belief, W HOUSTON street in New York City does not stand for Whitney Houston Street. It is actually called West Houston Street.

Snow

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Eskimos have over fifty words for snow. Some of them include:

• powder
• junk
• snuff
• yeyo
• base
• snort

Yogurt

Scott's Tip Of The Day: The best yogurt is actually alive when you eat it. If you don't believe me see here. So basically, you have a live cup of yogurt in your fridge. It knows you want to eat it. It sees that half empty milk container in there. It knows you are coming for it next. So what can you do to protect yourself from a yogurt attack?

• Keep a loaded gun trained on the refrigerator when opening it. If something looks suspicious then shoot first and ask questions later.
• Cover yourself with a biohazard suit or full body condom while opening your fridge so the yogurt cannot latch onto your body and permeate your skin
• Avoid discussing sensitive yogurt issues in the vicinity of your yogurt. Some examples of sensitive yogurt issues include The Bolivian Yogurt Holocaust of 1924, the great ice cream vs. frozen yogurt debate and the 2006 Interstate 95 Frogurt Fatality

And always remember to avoid making eye contact with your yogurt

Julius Caesar

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Many books have been written about Julius Caesar over the years, but few, if any, give Caesar credit for his greatest contribution to modern society, Orange Julius

Condoms

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Condoms may prevent babies, but they won't stop you from having intercourse with ugly women.

Homogenized Milk

Scott's Tip Of The Day: You don't have to be gay to drink homogenized milk

Old Age Home

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you are young and really lazy and you don't like cooking or cleaning, try dying your hair grey and checking into an old age home. You don't have to get up to go to the bathroom because you have a bedpan. A nurse bathes you and changes your sheets regularly. You have no shortage of people to play mahjong with and you have all the apple sauce you can eat.

Pacifiers

Scott's Tip Of The Day: If you are over the age of three, chances are you are too old to be using a pacifier

Reggae Concerts

Scott's Tip Of The Day: Purchasing and consuming snacks from unregistered vendors at reggae concerts can mysteriously lead to disorientation, lightheadedness, uncontrollable laughter, sleepiness and really bad dancing.